Scra-Blog

Proposition T&A

2006-03-30T23:08:00.000-08:00

I love myspace. A constant source of laughs

Shopping

2006-03-21T15:04:00.000-08:00

So about two weeks ago I got a catalogue from Urban Outfitters. Now, had this had come seven months ago when I subscribed to it I would have readily flipped through it with joy and glee. But after having frequented UO a few times since then my interest in them has waned. And so has my finances. I decided yesterday to pick the catalogue up off of my floor before Crispus had his way with it. ( I forgot to mention he's been staying with us for the past week) So out of boredom and frustration with my Sudoku puzzles (I'm getting into the tough ones) I made my way through the trendy, hip fashions of Urban Outfitters. About 70% of the stuff was for girls, but that doesn't mean I didn't picture myself wearing a pair of pigment dyed utility pants in dark gray camo. I got to the boy's stuff and I was only interested in the shoes. I've noticed lately I've become a bit of a shoe whore. But anyway let's take a look at some of the things I picked out:

Who doesn't love Converse All-Stars? (You don't? Well you can go to hell!) I own a pair of black slip-ons, but I've always wanted to have at least 10 pairs in a wide variety of colors (white, black, gray, bone, grey, tan, charcoal, beige, and etc.) They are just so simple and comfortable. The best everyday shoe in my opinion. These are olive which I like because there's also a hoodie I picked out that will match them. Next we have Vans, which I like to call whiteboys because whom do you see wearing them? Vans are super comfy and they've gotten a bit more stylish now. They used to be so bulky and very sk8terboi which I didn't care for because..well, I don't skateboard. The first pair are moss colored and suede and I must admit that I love suede (jackets, shoes, hell even vests). Now the second pair I think may only be purchased by myself. I've gotten negative feedback on those from others, but do I care...no. I'm going to be the one wearing them, cleaning them, and putting them up people's asses when they diss them. The color and the pattern is what draws me to them, plus they're a bit flashy and I like that. The last pair are just classic black slip-ons. You can't go wrong with black. Lastly, and breaking away from shoes, there's the hoodie. It's a mushroom colored half zip which is what I'm having done to a hoodie I just bought. It's a pull-over and I don't like the hassle of putting them on. It's a struggle when you have a lot of hair. This one looks a little thin so it's perfect for mid spring and summer mornings.
total: 270.00$ Shipping is free if I order online which I will do. Why am I talking as if I have 270 dollars to spend on clothes? Because I'm deluded into thinking my mother will give me the money. She'll give me at least half, of that I am sure.

Oh! I forgot there was one more thing in the catalogue that I really wanted. It's probably want I want the most out of everything...

Yes, yes. I gosta have it.

I'm not Dead

2006-03-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

Just switched ISPs.

*Edited on Thursday March 16th.*
Okay so we switched from Roadrunner to SBC Yahoo DSL and in that week of no internet access I occupied myself with my Soduku workbook. My best time is 15 minutes which is a drastic improvement from the days in which it took me 2 days to finish one puzzle. I look back on those days with a mix of embarrassment and shame.
My younger siblings (Lauren, Jeremy, and Brandon) are in town for spring break and it's nice. I haven't seen them since August so it's heart-warming to hear them yell at each other, see them leave food all over the kitchen, and smell their funky laundry that's sprinkled across the living room floor. It's just like those good ole days I ~~loathed~~ loved. Since they are here and they don't have a computer at their fathers back home they will be on here most of the time and I don't mind it. I have my Sudoku and Lifetime channel. Will & Grace AND Frasier four times a day?!?!? How could I not watch.
I still don't know where I want to go for college and it's killing me. I don't even know what it is I want to learn anymore. I just know I want to get the hell off my ass and back in school. I can feel myself getting dumber by the day.
I snuck a peak at my mother's tax return information and I saw how much she's getting back this year. She doesn't like people knowing about her finances and it's none of my business, but for the very reason that she doesn't want me to know... I had to know. It's a nice chunk of change. It should get me many pairs of shoes.

Back later.

Rihanna's back already

2006-03-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

Rihanna's sophomore album titled "A Girl Like Me" is making it's way to our ears slowly but surely. The first single off the album is SOS (Rescue Me). I'm not the biggest fan of this song but I also don't hate it. It's no Pon De Replay which, if you're like me, was played over and over to the point where you starting mumbling patois in your sleep. SOS samples Soft Cell's Tainted Love which I like but that's about it. I'm hoping it's not a prelude to how the album will sound because while "Music of the Sun" (her debut album which came out last summer) was a good effort it wasn't enough to make you stop and take notice, especially since she was trying to be very Mariah-esque. So I'm hoping this time around she really gives us music that's her own. There is one thing I like about this new album and it's upcoming era, the cover. Rihanna is in my opinion the most beautiful of the young crop of pop stars taking over the airways and her cover is a testament to that. It's sexy without being obvious and tacky and it's got a 70s retro look to it that I really like so hopefully I will get my hands on a promo poster. I also can't wait to see her video for SOS which from the looks of the pictures I've seen on the set (which you can see here), looks to be very hot. She's already shot a promo video for a Nike endorsement deal that was pretty nice, but it's nothing Janet Jackson or Aaliyah hasn't done before.
SOS (Rescue Me) Video

Another young R&B beauty I'm on the lookout for is Christina Milian. Now I love her song, Say I, which is the first single off of her album "So Amazin" slated to be released this April 25th. I can't wait for that video either. Lots of dancing in the rehersals, and it's a Club Banger. And since I don't go out a club banger to me means I sing it in the shower very very loudly.

Christina Milian fezt Young Jeezy - Say I
*Note - If the link goes down email me (by clicking my name)

Scaredy-cat's unraveling

2006-02-26T03:57:00.000-08:00

I was on a Project Runway forum and someone made up a fantasy cast for Project Runway: The Musical. They listed Anthony Perkins to play Daniel Franco. I was positive he was dead, but wiki'd him anyway. He is. I wiki'd his wife also whom I found out died on one of the hijacked flights on 9/11. Of course, I wiki'd 9/11 and read the things about it I didn't know. Now I'm too scared to go to sleep for fear of terrorists in my dreams. Sleeper Cell is also to blame for this. This curse of having an imaginative mind. What am I going to do?

update My Myspace Page
apply for any jobs online
consider Columbia College again (I know, I know)
pray this gas goes away*

* This has been a recurring problem all last week and I haven't even laid eyes on a diary product. I'm probably not going to go to church today because of my condition, not that I wanted to go anyway.

I am a convert.

2006-02-22T02:15:00.000-08:00

My page looked the way I wanted it to in IE, but looked like crap in Mozilla (thanks Elmo for letting me know.) So I downloaded Firefox and redesigned the whole thing over to look the way it should in Mozilla. It looks a tad funny in IE now so I'll have to figure out how to fix that sometime today. IE why can't you just follow the W3C rules?

tsk tsk tsk bad IE

Brokeback Manhattan?

2006-02-20T21:19:00.000-08:00

Producers for Will & Grace are trying to lure Brokeback Mountain actors Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal to appear on the hit TV show and re-enact their on-screen gay cowboy relationship.
American magazine In Touch reported the actors are interested, but will only agree to appear after the Oscar ceremony, because they don't want to hurt the film's chances of winning any awards. Source - Daily Dish

I heard about this on a forum and decided to google it for myself. Now I think the idea is cute, but I also think it's a bit cheesy. Nonetheless, if it comes to fruition I'll tune in because it merges two things I love: 1.) Will and Grace 2.) Hot guys making out.

Just so you know

2006-02-19T21:55:00.000-08:00

Madonna is the shit. Bow down to her awesomeness...

that is all.

Crispus' cream

2006-02-10T16:19:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago a cat appeared outside our door. Our adjacent neighbors denied ownership so how he got into the hallway is still a mystery. However, he was a friendly cat with a few extra pound on him, a shiny coat, and persistent goal of getting into our house so we knew someone took care of him. How and why he got away from them is another mystery. Me being an animal lover, I let him in to roam around our house and to entertain me since I've been without pet for about 2 years. He stayed her for an hour then I kicked him out because I didn't want to be involved in any catnapping scandal that would surely rock this apartment complex to its very core. Wednesday he showed up again, in the early evening while I was making dinner

I was preparing orange chicken with a side of white rice after experimenting with it a few days earlier. It first time it came about haphazardly as I only used the most common ingredients (orange juice and brown sugar) out of 10 different recipes. They were also the only ingredients I had. The second time I used cornstarch, too much cornstarch, to thicken it. Better luck next time

I fed him pieces of chicken and let him roam the house once again and inadvertently named him Crispus Attucks. Not because I admired the man, but because I heard his name earlier that day in an episode of Living Single. When my mom came home she welcomed him, but was worried about him pooping somewhere. I reassured her that I would clean it up. About a half hour later I was informed that Crispus had indeed pooped, on my bed. A nice saucer-sized pile of watery feces that looked like a little bit like chili and little bit like gazpacho. Either way, wiping it up it had a creamy consistency to it that I think had something to do with the milk we gave him. I had to Shout my sheets, flip my mattress, and scent my room with this deliciously new brand of lysol disinfectant (green apple yum). I wasn't mad because well, he didn't know any better. Besides, cats are really particular and he chose my bed of all places to relieve himself so I feel honored. My mother ended up running over to Kmart and buying him food, kitty litter, and a litterbox. All for a cat who doesn't even belong to us and that we can't afford to have right now (the pet deposit is $250). We let him out Thursday morning and he hasn't been back yet. His things will be waiting for him.

Why do birds suddenly appear

2006-02-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

I made a self portrait on the computer today out of boredom and a need for an artistic outlet. I showed my best friend Janine and immediately she recited The Carpenters "Close to you" à la Marge Simpson. That will be in my head all day. I haven't been able to paint in weeks so I needed to do something. If I don't channel my passion for art into something constructive I might end up like one of those weird performance artists who recites abstract poetry in a lycra onesie. Don't get me wrong I look good in lycra, but still I'd rather paint. Or at the least fiddle around with photoshop. I'm fond of putting the heads of my Hollywood crushes on those of gay men making hot sweaty love to each other. Ok, back to painting.

I'm out of my mixing medium which thins out the paint and I need new brushes. However I don't have the monetary resources available to acquire such materials. My mother's doing the whole "I barely have enough money for groceries" talk again. I'm not going to tell her I've seen her paycheck stubs and know how much she makes, it would just embarrass her. Besides I need to have my own job to bitch about. I have two applications on my bedroom floor that need turning in, so I'll probably take those back tomorrow. They're both for local grocery stores (how's that for irony) and I wouldn't mind working for either. Because I like groceries? No. Because they pay well? I have no idea. Because they're close to home? They are, but who cares. I want to work at them because they play soft rock and the baggers are cute. And isn't that the deciding factor for all potential employment opportunities, the music and the physical appearances of those who work there? I think so.

I've always wanted to get involved in the politics that come with a job also. Conversing with my fellow co-workers about how our supervisor is a jerk off. Then talking about one of the same co-workers 20 seconds after they leave the conversation. Then having the same co-workers talk about me in envy because I slept with the resident hottie who works in the frozen food section. Alliances will be formed. People will be stabbed in the back. And Jeff Probst will show up on occassion. Oh God, I can't wait.

Note: My update post from yesterday has disappeared off my main page.

An Icon

2006-01-31T07:27:00.000-08:00

Coretta Scott King (1927 - 2006)
I for one, won't mourn her, but be grateful for the legacy she leaves.

Alpha Male

2006-01-29T01:34:00.000-08:00

Pop Prince and SuperBowl star, Justin Timberlake is starring in an upcoming film called Alpha Dog. "A drama based on the life of Jesse James Hollywood, a drug dealer who became one of the youngest men ever to be on the FBI's most wanted list." - IMDB.com
Timberlake plays Frankie, a good guy (but still a drug dealer) whose life starts to go horribly wrong after a kindnapping turns to murder. This is Timberlake's fourth movie I believe with three more in the process of being completed. I don't know what the hell happened to that Edison movie he did with Morgan Freeman, but I watched the trailer for this one and it looks like the darkest of his stock and definitely worth going to the theaters to see. It's chock full of drugs, kidnapping, murder, and of course sex and was one of Sundance's first closing night films this year. Now whether or not he can act is irrelevant. I'm sure he's going to have his shirt off at least once which essentially sells the movie in my opinion.

View the trailer.

Class, it's time for a quiz

2006-01-26T23:54:00.000-08:00

You Were a Deer

Graceful and gentle, you appreciate beauty and balance.
A giving soul, you are able to sacrifice for the greater good.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

My Hump

2006-01-25T00:16:00.000-08:00

Since Mid-December, when we moved into our apartment, the computer's been on the floor. The big bulky desk it sat on back in St.Louis is well, in St.Louis. Last month when I accompanied my cousin back home, I was given the assignment of bringing up as much of our stuff as possible. The desk was not one of those things. I gave my mother the excuse that the pieces couldn't fit in the U-Haul when really I just didn't want the ugly thing in our new place. So the computer has been quietly resting in a spot on the floor in the corner of the living room.

At first I didn't mind because I just sat ~~indian-style~~ crossed legged on the floor, but I must have juvenile arthritis because that could only last about a minute before my knees were aching. So I opted to just lay on the carpet instead. However this too has become a problem as my, umm...junk is getting in the way down there. It's either poking me in the stomach, getting smushed, being pulled back which I personally don't like as they are not comfortable feelings. Specifically the latter because that seems to do nothing but excite it. I never had this problem before since I lie down/sleep on my side or back. Now I've gotten into the habit of trying different positions to lie down, none of which are particularly enjoyable or attractive. Yes I said attractive. I may be at home, but I still want to look nice if my home should be raided by police or criminals.

My main gripe is the fact that...Joshua(I think that's what I'll call him) seems to be always at attention. Time of day and amount of people present don't appear to be things he takes into account. He's like one of those large angry women at [insert any public place] that demands to speak to the manager and doesn't care if everyone sees her. Yep, that's Josh, ever-present and unapologetic. I know it's common at my age to have such a friend. I just wish he'd let me know at least five minutes before he crashes the party so I can put on some clothes. I like to walk around in my boxerbriefs which do nothing to restrain him once he's come to life.
They did help during cheerleading though. I didn't start wearing them until I started cheering at basketball games. There I noticed that when I jump, he likes to join in. One day the girls saw that Josh liked to join us and that night I bought my first pack of boxerbriefs.

But back to the original story, I wish I brought that god-awful desk. It was an interior designer's nightmare and guaranteed to get me in a citation from my fellow fags, but I would suffer the consequences if it meant getting Josh off my back, or should I say stomach.

New layout...of course

2006-01-24T05:09:00.000-08:00

Okay so I changed the layout again. What can say, I HAVE to re-do things when they're not perfect. I wasn't 100% behind the last one so of course it was going to come down. It was only a matter of time. I just slapped ittogether so I would have something new to look at. Occasionally, my blog goes stale (because I want to take a break or because of uncontrollable factors) so when I start it up again I always change the layout. This one took me from 10:00 p.m. until 7:00 a.m. to do because I went from developing a concept to the finished project without stopping. Well I did stop occasionally for the fact that I needed more creative fuel (Cap'N Crunch) to continue. However, I can say that I am happy with this layout, I'm 95 % satisfied with it which is a-okay. But I promise I will ~~not~~ change this layout ~~anytime~~ soon. I'm kidding, I hope.

Joey and Lance Couple Up

2006-01-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

Lance Bass and Joey Fatone are saying bye bye bye to boy-bandhood and hello to reality television.

With chances of an 'N Sync reunion looking increasingly slim, the popsters have pinned their hopes to a new UPN project about their lives, billed as an update of The Odd Couple. (What? White people on UPN?)

Tentatively titled Out of Sync, the comedy-reality hybrid will feature Fatone as the slovenly Oscar character, and Bass as Felix, the neurotic neat guy. (This has been done to death, but whatever)

UPN President Dawn Ostroff said Thursday that the series is in development for the fall.

"They came to us," she said. "Joey and Lance are such fun, interesting people and they truly are an odd couple--even if you sit in a room with them, it's Felix and Oscar in many ways."

The original Odd Couple was a Neil Simon Broadway show about two men separated from their wives, who move in together, despite their differences. It was later made into both an Oscar-winning film, starring Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathau, and a television series, starring Tony Randall and Jack Klugman. (I consider myself more a Felix than Oscar, but what gay guy doesn't?)

It's unclear how closely Fatone and Bass plan to stick to the plot line and whether cohabitation is in the cards. While Bass is still single, Fatone traded vows with his longtime girlfriend, Kelly Baldwin, in September 2004, and is the father of 5-year-old Brianna.

Fatone and Bass previously teamed up for the 2001 romantic comedy, On the Line. Fatone also appeared in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and stage productions of Rent and Little Shop of Horrors.

Bass, meanwhile, spent a good chunk of his post-Sync days attempting to get himself launched into orbit, a quest that was eventually nixed by Russia's space program. (He should have tried something more practical like launching a business or climbing Mt. Everest)

Though 'N Sync has never formally broken up, the band has been on an extended break since Justin Timberlake released his 2002 solo album, Justified.

After achieving multiplatinum status on his own, not to mention snagging himself a superstar girlfriend and a handful of film roles, Timberlake is reportedly reluctant to consider a return to boy-bander status. (You know this is all Diana Ross' fault)

Just don't tell Bass, who remains convinced that 'N Sync will rise again.

"It might be five years from now, it might be a year from now, but we will definitely do some more music," he told MTV in June. (Albeit separately and with thinly veiled songs of resentment like "Who needs him?" and "Justin Timberlake is a dirty rat bastard who ditched us for some skank he's only known for 5 minutes (featuring. Busta Rhymes)") source - EOnline!

I'm going to root for them because I like NSYNC. Specifically, Lance because I'm 98% sure he's a MO. He's good friends with Kathy Griffin... need I say more?

Sunday Morning

2006-01-22T00:59:00.000-08:00

I hate going to church. Right now I'm contemplating what injury to fake to keep from going. I can't do it every week because then suspicion would arise. I have to schedule it at random times. It seems like too much work when I could just say, "I don't want to go." But if it were that easy I would have used that a few months ago. My mother is intimidating and I'm... well I'm a coward. I dread telling her things she doesn't want to hear, which is why I took a page from Koge's book and came out via letter. And now that she's gone all religious fantastic on me I know it won't be easy.

I used to enjoy going a lot when I was younger. It was the constant waking up at 8:30 a.m. that stuck in my craw. I thought I left that kind of morning rise in high school. I used to say if church service were later in the day I'd be happier to go. A crock bullshit. Sundays may be boring, but I would definitely find something to do in order to stay home even if that included picking lint off the floor (which I have done before). But on the occasion when I would go to Sunday school here I didn't regret it because the teacher (Alan) was very funny. I wouldn't really pay attention to what he was saying, just his jokes and then I would trail off in my mind singing current top 40 hits. Now we go only to service and I have to sit through boring ass church songs. And not the jubilant and soulful songs of the Christian Negro. This is a multi-cultural church which means of course they sing, for lack of a better term, white people songs. Soft rock with religious overtones fills the air while people sing along with their hands in the air and my eyes observing. And then the sermon comes which is long, drawn out, vague, but obvious. Last week's was and hour and a half long on why we shouldn't complain. I could have told everyone why in 5 seconds: "It's counterproductive. See you next Sunday." In Alan's class he teaches us about living a good life with stories in the Bible that parallel his words. He'll usually centers it around one of those catchy metaphorical, motivational terms like "a strong foundation must come from your own dedication." It makes me feel like I'm at one of those self-help seminars which I've always wanted to go to. But nevertheless I don't find myself wanting to go back the next Sunday. Alot of what they're quoting doesn't make sense and their interpretations are probably different than what another preacher says about the exact some scripture which undermines the whole thing.
I'm not a religious as I used to be, I actually am not sure if I even want to be. So for me, going to church has become the same situation as watching Sesame Street. I get a laugh here or there, but the fascination has died a while ago.

9:00 a.m. - Today she actually asked me if I wanted to go.

I'm Coming Out!

2006-01-20T22:02:00.000-08:00

There's something about me that I haven't openly shared with you readers. It's something I rarely shared with anyone. I guess I felt a bit ashamed to admit it because I would feel alienated from people. However it's something that's been haunting me for the past 3 years and I feel now I should just accept it and let others know what it is I'm going through. I, am lactose-intolerant. God it felt good just saying that now. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from me and now I feel I can share my story.

The first time I can remember having a reaction to dairy was three years ago in Algebra. My teacher was in the middle of teaching what was probably the FOIL method and I can distinctly remember feeling the worst sharp pain in my chest. I thought I was dying, and right there in the middle of learning something I would never use in life. I endured it for the rest of the hour while imagining all the people that would be coming to my funeral (what an amazing turnout). After Algebra was Gym and I didn't take part in the sports so just walked around and observed all the boys playing basketball. But in that time I noticed I was experiencing some gas and I had never felt that before. I felt different, and ashamed, like everyone was watching me with eyes full of judgment. Like they knew. That was the day I realized that I may have been lactose-intolerant. It was something I couldn't believe was true. Why was this happening? What did I do to deserve this? Why was God punishing me?

I continued to consume dairy in hopes of maybe trying to cure myself from being this way only to later be in pain again and suffering from terrible gas and bloating. This continued for about three months and I never bothered to tell anyone for fear of being outed as a lacto. I had seen what society has done to them on tv and in magazines; I didn't want that to happen to me. Then one day while doing my ritual googling of weekly thoughts I searched for info about it. I found out that I was experiencing something very common to people and that I needn't be ashamed of it. I found tons of web-sites explaining why I was the way I was and how it was okay. There were stories about people coming to term with their own dietary identity, finding out about soymilk, and even famous people throughout history who were just like me! I had found a home, and it was with the lactos. However, it was still difficult to accept. It was so hard to admit that to myself because my whole life I had been surrounded by lactose tolerators and I was once one. No one in my family had ever brought up the idea of not being able to handle dairy like it was taboo or something. I felt like my entire world was changing around me. What was I going to tell my Family and friends? Would they still love and accept me? Where could I find a local support group/ soy cafe? When I told my Mom she was surprised at first. I think she may have cried a little, but she told me it was okay and that she still loved me. That was the hardest year of my life, but luckily I got through it with the love and support of friends and family.

Since then I have been living on soy substitutes, the occasional lactaid tablets, but sometimes I slip and try to see if I can handle a glass of milk. Naturally my body rejects it and I pay the price for trying to change who I am. (I ate a hotpocket earlier and now I'm in so much pain I can't even mastubate myself to sleep.) I guess deep down there's still a part of me that wishes I could just be like everyone else and not have to live a life many people don't understand. But I am ready to embrace who I am and live the life that was destined for me.

We drink Soy!It's our Joy!Get used to it!

Nelly News

2006-01-19T16:08:00.000-08:00

Nelly Furtado is back and again working with Timbaland. But this time it's on her own album titled Loose which is going to be released in March/April of this year. The first single is called Maneater and the video is being shot this month. Maneater replaced Promiscuous Girl as the first single for the album which I feel a little jilted about because PG is in my opinion a far better track. But, I'm really excited about the new album because I really enjoy Nelly's musical style. On her first, Whoa Nelly!(2000), she was very trip-hop/alternapop. And then on Folklore(2003) she went acoustic and rock-oriented. She worked with Missy and Timbaland in between the two making cameos on Missy's Get Ur Freak On Remix and Ms.Jade's Ching Ching. She worked with Timbaland on ten tracks for this album; which include the aforementioned two and “Showtime,” “Hold Me Down,” “All Good Things Come to an End” with Chris Martin, “Do It To Me,” and “No Aye Igual.” - source BITS

Hosted on yousendit.com
Maneater.mp3
Promiscuous Girl.mp3
Links are down, email me for files.

reflections from the birthday boy

2006-01-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

So today is my birthday, or was depending on when you're reading this. And I am officially one of those hot 19 year olds with the young, vibrant personality that a man in his mid-life crisis craves. Any takers?
Quite a few people close to me pondered why I hadn't taken in the festivities of my day.
"You're not going out?" "You're not doing anything?" "You're not sexing anyone?" No. No and ........... maybe later. I've never been one to always want to go out and party on my birhtday, probably because I've never had a party on my birthday. I just like to chill out on the couch, or floor, relaxing in a warm spot from the sunrays. Maybe sleep all day, or act like my birthday doesn't even exist until someone utters those two words. The whole spectacle of being larger than life on your birthday and being catered to never interested me, mainly because I'm like that 364 days out of the year.

I will say though, a year ago I didn't think I'd be where I am now. I had plans to be off at college by now getting a good education and sloppy blowjobs from drunk guys, but things change and I'm not upset by it because it was on my own accord. About a month ago I completely rescinded my enrollment from CCC after realizing I was terrified of going. I started second-guessing my choice of art school and re-evaluated what it is I want to do. Besides, it's stupid to throw away my cheerleading experience.
My relationship with my mother last year was great as she continued to live in the dark about my sexuality. Now, everyday I think about how we will soon grow apart because she refuses to accept I'm gay and I don't want to accept that. It's become a non-issue now since we don't talk about at all. She actually talks to me as if it were a phase, making remarks about my future wife. I don't think I even have the heart to tell her it's not a phase, it's not the devil, it's who I am. To tell her that I'm gay would be like coming out to her all over again which is not something I think anyone wants to do.
But I am happy for her, she finally got back on her feet. After living with my uncle for almost three years and my aunt for the remainder we finally got our own place here in Kansas City and it feels good to have my own space again. The entire time before I got here I never had dreams that took place where I was staying. They were always of me being at my previous home, one I left abruptly. But now I feel settled and I even dreamed of being in this apartment. Granted, it was of me making out with my own brother, but I'm not going to complain.

So I had a great day and I'm happy. Cheers to me.

63rd Annual Golden Globes

2006-01-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Best & Worst Dressed

I love Desperate Housewives, but occasionally get peeved at Eva's exposure. Yes,
she's the youngest, prettiest, and has great potential for a wonderful career, but still it annoys me. It's that whole Diana and the Supremes thing even though the cast isn't a 60s R&B supergroup. However, she was by far the most stunning woman last night in a fabulous Bob Mackie.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. You look quite filthy and disheveled. Not even Vanessa's lovely Chanel dress could save you from my scorn. It's fun to color-coordinate, we gays do it in our sleep, but something went wrong. Terribly. A little guido, a little hobo, a whole lot of ugly.

lovin la lindsay

2006-01-17T03:09:00.000-08:00

Of course I had to change the layout of my blog. Why I picked Lindsay? What can I say, I'm a sucker for an Ann-Margaret wannabee.

like, totally not cool

2006-01-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

I'm channeling my suppressed inner-teen.

I'm so not dead, but totally like unable to blog or do anything that involves a computer. Specifically, my computer. It's (like) contracted a virus and is now in what I assume is a debilitating coma (bummer). I'm (like) 90% sure it's (totally) my brother's fault seeing as though my cousin's computer was infected too during the time he spent on it. It (like) has some virus that (like) runs in the background usurping my virtual memory which slowly reduced my computer to a giant paper weight (dude). I (totally) have to call Compaq for the recovery disk. I shouldn't be trying to save this old ass computer though it's (like totally) not worth it. I'm at work with my mom looking at some Apples.

Ok enough if that.

I have three neighbors at the apartment complex. I live across from a Hispanic family (with a kid that cries way too damn much) and above two other families.
I have yet to introduce myself to any of them because it's just so hard to get out that house when I'm occupied. We have a long hallway and I like to place Fashion Week. But I'm anxious to meet my neighbors below me, especially the male who periodically moans throughout the day. I'm not exactly sure what the cause is for his moaning. It sounds quite erotic to me so when first heard it at night I just assumed he was being rewarded for his long day at work. But after hearing it again during the morning and afternoon, I'm not sure what to believe. I've been trying to catch a glimpse of him when they're door opens, but I'm usually on the runway at the time He could be some sort of invalid or maybe a chained up menace to society a la Desperate Housewives. I really hope it's something sexual though. If not, anything news-worthy will do. I like to imagine he broadcasts amateur porn over the net via webcam/chat which means he's net-savvy entrepreneur in need of a personal assistant to promote his show which could lead to me having my own career preferably not in the porn industry though. I don't think they offer benefits. I just may have to retire from modeling for this.

Complacent solitude

2005-12-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on the floor drinking coffee and reading up on pedophiles. This is made all the more satisfying since I'm at my own place. Technically it's not my place seeing as though I don't pay any bills or rent, but I'm possessive so it's mine mine mine!

After about two and half months at my Aunt and Uncle's place, my mother, brother, and myself have moved in to a somewhat secluded apartment complex and I couldn't be any happier. It's not that I had any problems living with family, it's just that ... I have problems living with family. I've always been used to living in my own room, my own space and I'm not big on compromise so living there was quite hellish. I'm definitely the different one in the family and they all tend to function the same way so normally I would quietly remove myself from sight in retreat for my room. But with no room I had to sit in silence staring off into space praying for a seizure of any sort to rescue me from consciousness. And when that didn't happen I was stuck listening to my Aunt telling me how I should be getting out and meeting some girls. Girls? Now I don't consider myself to be the "gayest of the gay". I don't own a pink feather boa, wine-colored shades, and a piano, but I'd like to think that after being in a room with me for at least five minutes you pretty much know I'm taking it up the ass. Just like my mother, she had no idea. I guess it's for the best because I don't think she can handle it. She did manage to introduce me to an artist at her church. She felt we should get to know each other since we share a common interest. After seeing him converse with someone (in full flamboyant manner) after service I realized we shared at least two.

I feel so much better now that I have a lot more space to just be me again.
Now I'm going back to my reading, have a nice day.

RICKY MARTIN REVEALS HIS SEX SECRETS

2005-12-02T22:23:00.000-08:00

Latino pop hunk RICKY MARTIN loves to film himself having sex but he's always careful to erase the footage before he falls asleep.

The LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA singer admits he enjoys videotaping his 'sexploits' and watching them with his partner - but you'll never find one of his intimate acts on the internet.

The saucy star tells men's magazine Blender, "If we wanted to watch the film again, we would do it, watch it, get turned on again, do it again, but before going to sleep, we would delete it because I don't want to be PAMELA ANDERSON."

The clean-cut 33-year-old also admits to being a fan of urinating on his partner. He explains, "I love giving the golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's, like, so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different."

Source - Blender and/or Yahoo! Entertainment News

Commentary: Now I'm not going to judge Ricky based on his sexual fetishes because we all have at least one kinky fetish if not 12 like myself. In fact after being "educated" about watersports by a friend (who is an avid athlete in such sports), it's not as bad as I had imagined. There's actually alot more water than anything else involved, go figure. Now I'm not saying that door has opened for me yet, but I will say this ... If Ricky Martin wants to pee on me, I'm sure as hell not going to stop him.

yeah I suck at this

2005-12-01T22:45:00.000-08:00

There are 75 bands in this Virgin Digital ad (which you can click to enlarge). Their names have been visualized and it's up to you to decipher them. Some of them are extremely obvious like the band whose name is climbing on top of buildings. But with some you to use the ol noggin a bit more becasue they require a healthier knowledge of music, like the band whose name is seen in two black and white pictures on the brick wall (left side of the page). There are a few solo artists, like the one on the left side of the picture levitating in air. I could only find about 15 on my own before I decided to give up and find the answers. It's not that I don't know a lot of bands, I'm just lazy and I like to quit on things. It was indeed fun while it lasted. Enjoy

A list of the answers can be seen in the comments of this site: DoubleViking.com

Thankful

2005-11-24T00:57:00.000-08:00

9 things I'm thankful for (ten is just too long)

faith (I'd be lost without it)
family (whom I will come to love/resent more with each year)
friends (that I've almost forgotten about)
volunteer work (which I need to be doing more of)
internet ( my getaway from my family)
David & Amy Sedaris (so that life may be filled with laughter)
SkittleBrittle (which I will discuss in a few days)
my good looks (because they pay the bills)
my faithful readers (although I get the feeling you all are cheating on me)

For Kelsey...

2005-11-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

This is a bit sobering so I don't blame you if you choose not to read.

I was fulfilling my addiction of Myspace a half hour ago sending out a bulletin to my friends. It was one of those long surveys that someone else had already sent to you with their own answers. And I opted to fill it out since I was extremely bored and needed to take my mind of the disrupting gas I had. Punishment for defiantly indulging in an ice cream float earlier. I was being witty and clever to the best of my ability trying make those who would read my bulletin laugh or giggle. I had finished all 60 questions and sent it out when I noticed that I had of course some recent ones sent out since starting the survey. One read Kelsey Eddings: Pray for her. I opened this one first seeing as though I know Kelsey and the title left me curious about the message. Unfortunately, Kelsey has Sickle Cell Anemia and recently caught pneumonia. She's been admitted to the hospital, but is in a coma and on a respirator. The doctors have informed that her condition is terminal and she only has a few days to live.

I went to highschool (and graduated) with Kelsey. And although I wasn't her friend or knew her personally, we still knew each other. I had talked with her on occasion and been in her presence through our joining friend Tiffani. She seemed quiet at first approach, but actually lived a vibrant life. Anyone who was friends with Tiffani did. After graduation I had found her on Myspace. We befriended each other, exchanged simple pleasantries and went about or own separate lives. She hadn't crossed my mind again until tonite. She hasn't left my mind since.

We (my senior class) lost someone earlier this year during school. Bobby Dietzman died the weekend of Prom, and his death reverberated throughout the school for the rest of the year leaving behind weeping teenagers and mournful adults. I didn't know Bobby that well either, but like Kelsey, my familiarity with him was enough for me to feel a level of despondency that clouded my mind.

A few days ago I had thought about class my reunion and how we would feel the presence of those who hadn't lived to make it. We'd grown older but their youthfulness would be eternalized in our minds as we remembered their faces full of life. And I think now about how, like all of us when we were young, they had fantasize about their dreams coming to reality. Becoming the lawyer, photographer, singer, teacher, or parent they'd always wanted to be. Also what did they think about in their final hours. Were they sadden that they couldn't fulfill their destinies? Were they at peace? Were they desperately trying to hold on as they slipped away?

If and when Kelsey does pass, I will be saddened once again at another life cut short. The positive aspect of heavenly peace does outweigh the bad, but it still hurts nonetheless to say goodbye.

Rumors

2005-11-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

Rumors are beginning to circulate that Chad Michael Murray is gay. He supposedly said in an upcoming issue of The Advocate:
"I've always been waiting for the right time", Murray says in the article. He admitted to having a boyfriend, also a WB actor, but wouldn't say who!
-magnews.com
It sounds like complete bullshit, but that shouldn't stop us from contemplating the possibility of him joining our wonderful community...

Such nice potential

yeah bitch, myspace!

2005-10-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

Myspace:A website built on interacting with millions across the globe using a personalized web page full of information about yourself added with music videos, color schemes, and of course semi-nude pictures. Sounds pretty unfulfilling (to me at least), yet I log on at around 5 times a day. Why? Because I want to see if I have new messages, friend requests, comments, or bulletins. More than half the time they are always the standard versions everyone sends. That doesn't stop them from validating me for about 10 to 15 minutes. Afterwards I reward myself by browsing through pictures of hot guys taken with their camera phones in front of the bathroom mirror.

Dentist:10/20 I go along with my brother to the dentist. He gets a normal check-up and cleaning, while I'm waiting for the full monty. My root canal that is. It was a fun experience in my opinion. The sting of the needle, the numbing of the entire left side of my face (I swear I was pretending to be a 45 year-old with a bad batch of botox), and the blood all over my shirt guard. I enjoyed every minute of it except for the times he hit my nerves looking for them. And the slow speed drill. He used a faster drill to open the cavity up and the slower one to clean away decay. I absolutely dreaded that drill. It didn't hurt, it just irritated me because since it rotated slower I could feel the vibrations a lot more. My jaw just shook with uncomfortable, uncontrollable sensations. It was one of those weird feelings you have like nails on a chalkboard, or seeing someone wear stirrups. I must say it was the first time I had something inside me vibrating that I did not like. This thursday I go back to get the job done.

10/27 I went back to get finished up and have my molar filled. It involved having my 3 root canals cleaned out and filled and then having the tooth capped. All was well, he would screw these files into my teeth and pull them out covered in nerve tissue. I got to see what it looked like. Nasty, bloody pieces of fleshy material. When he finished he decided to be on the safe side and look for a fourth canal because there was a 30% chance of finding one. Lucky........lucky me. I have to go back again and have this last canal cleaned, filled, and then I can have my tooth capped. If I didn't get to enjoy the wonderful feeling of novocaine during this procedure I'd be pissed.

Dental Disengagement (the remix)

2005-10-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

Pt. 1 of my tale.
So I went to the dentist yesterday. FINALLY. My mother and I were able to find a good one here since leaving St.Louis. My tooth had been unmercifully beating the hell out of me for the past 2 weeks. I've literally been crippled by pain because of one small tooth. Then again it was my fault because I'm hard-headed. With an infected tooth that's sensitive to hot, cold, and sugar, I was guzzling ice cold water, eating hot cereal, and tons and tons...and tons of candy. Pain was imminent.
So Thursday I had an appointment at 11:00 a.m. And after getting lost and redirected from 3 other practiced we found ourselves in the waiting room of Dr. Crawford. And I must say he was extremely nice. He was giving me Woody Allen with his way of speaking also. His office radiated with the sounds of Classic MGM film scores which I found relaxing. I also found myself feeling like Jerry Lewis. 3 x-rays later he told me what was going on up in that tooth. He even drew a little diagram that I now wish I had taken home for sentimental reasons. There are three nerves going into the tooth and I have a cavity which has allowed bacteria to attack on of the nerves killing it. He prescibred some penicillin for my teeth because there are two molars that actually are infected. And he told me if there's still pain after a few days than the some nerves are still alive, but if I feel nothing my tooth is dead. I hope my teeth aren't dead, that would be so sad for reasons I can't explain without sounding childish. Plus there'd be no point in a root canal and I'd would get the tooth removed which I dread. When we went to check out my mother handled all the finances and of course I listened intently. My root canal cost $750.00! But with insurance my mom only has to pay 20% of that. Sweeet! But not literally because that's bad for my teeth. After this I'm getting braces, but not with Invisalign. I want the metal ones because I think they're cute for reasons I can't explain without sounding childish.

I've always liked donkeys too

2005-10-11T14:22:00.001-07:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(70% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(35% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Weekend Update

2005-10-10T21:46:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a fun day. I had told my mother earlier in the week I would be accompanying her to work that day to see what she does. I never got the chance while in St.Louis. So Saturday crept up on me like a cheap hooker and I was not prepared. I wanted to brush my engagement off like I do many when I wake up still sleepy, but I decided to be a man about it. I convinced myself there would be sexy people coming in and out of FedExKinkos. Sexy men. And after encouraging myself under false pretenses and 20 minutes of quick preparation (that's all she allowed me), we were off to work.
Now my mother's place of business is located in the same place it was in St.Louis. Demographically speaking, in the upperclass, anglo-saxon area or where dem rich white folk live. Overland Park, Kansas which is The O.C. of the Kansas City area. It's nice out there and she's passing so she needn't feel uncomfortable. The whole time, from 10:00 a.m. to 2 p.m., she worked while I played around on a computer while directing customers to her informing them I didn't work there. I guess I shouldn't have worn her work apron. I met her co-workers both looking nothing like I had imagined. Scott was tall, young, and very hobo-esque, nothing like William H. Macy. And Jacci had curly auburn hair, not short black hair that looked crunchy. All in all they were nice people.
After work we decided staying home was not what we wanted to do. So we made our way down to the Plaza. It looked promising for my own future endeavors and hopefully occupation. I applied to none other than FedExKinkos. We visited a few stores, saw a street performing (if roboting to Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" is considered performing), a woman collecting money for battered women, and a Temptations cover group. It was very pleasant aside from the cold weather and I'll definitely return because of the heavy male traffic.
Today my mother cancelled some appointments to meet with apartment people, what do you call them? She needed to clean instead. But she did have a divine intervention from the man upstairs. Apparently, the last number she called was her bank. So when she hit radial she got the number to Minor Ridge, and apt. complex here. Yadda yadda yadda, she's visiting them on Friday and making it her number one priority as far as home-hunting goes. She believes God set this up for her and the two other complexes that called her later today were just Satan trying to divert her from God's plan.
What do I think? It doesn't matter my ass is moving! And it's closer to her job, which means closer to Overland Park which is great because I've always wanted to meet Mischa Barton. Who am I kidding, I meant Ben McKenzie. Sunday was good too. My tooth was bothering me so I got to stay home from church. And with good foresight because the sunday school teacher I actually liked wasn't even there. And I've gotten hooked on a new show on sunday nights. Following Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomny has stolen my heart and ER's place as my favorite medical drama. And that was my weekend.

What's Ukranian for triple word score?

2005-10-07T17:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a simple boy. A simple fag, if you will. And my daily hobbies are fairly if not completely nerdy. I enjoy word games. Jumble, Word Scrimmage (which is almost like scrabble), Word Play (finding smaller words in one base word), cryptograms, and sometimes a crossword puzzle. I also like Sudoku which is actually a japanese number game that is as addicting as meth, but a lot less explosive when handling. But my favorites is Yahoo's Literati which is also is a knock off of Scrabble.

I started playing once with Janine, she's my hag for those who don't know. After losing to her a bundle of times I felt I was ready to compete with strangers. And so I did. It became my favorite thing to do at 1 o'clock in the morning. And 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Pretty much any o'clock of the day. My opponents were always 30+ individuals who pondered why a young man would be playing this game on a friday night instead of out getting stupid drunk and falling asleep in some girl's vagina. I often replied with responses such as "I'm too ugly to have friends" or "I'm on house-arrest for assault." Sometimes they'd leave shortly after. But if they stayed we enjoyed a delightful game or two. And on a couple of occasionss when I played another male I would fantasize about what he'd look like. If I imagined he were attractive I'd go easy on him because I'd gotten quite good at the game. "And the women" you say? I'd run their asses into the ground. Unless they were over 60, they might have killed them.

So today I go to play my second game of the afternoon and I had to wait about a minute and half before someone joined. It was a male. I viewed his profile like I do everyone's and he had one of those Yahoo Avatars that are supposed to describe what you look like using applique that everyone else also uses. His was of him shirtless with a dog and the fact that it took a while for someone to join my table made me assume he looked at my profile first. I assumed because I do the same. And since my profile clearly states I'm gay gave me an impression that he might be too. I was pleased because I had never knowingly played with another 'mo. Half way into the game he said hi and asked where I was from. I answered & reciprocated. Then he asked my age. Once again, answered & reciprocated. These questions are standard during games so I thought nothing of it. Soon after he asked if I were "gay or bi/a top or bottom?" I knew he looked at my profile then and I contemplated leaving but decided to stay and indulge in his questions. 1. I had nothing to lose, 2. I hate it when people leave in the middle of a game. Unless it's me and I'm losing. He asked about age, relationships, friends, and of course size as I wondered if he were really from Las Vegas or maybe from the Ukraine based on his broken english. "How much years are u?" "Do you have boyfriend?" I was waiting on a follow-up question about my feelings on communism, but no such question appeared. He did however ask what I dreaded and what I knew what ultimately sever any future conversations, "Do you have a cam?" Oh Bodashka (I'm assuming that's your name), I was willing to let the past invasive questions fall by the wayside and continue the game. However you crossed that proverbial line and I must say good-bye or as you may know it do pobachennya. I told him no and quickly left. I was upset too because I was winning. For now I think I'm going to stick to the 30+ crowd who are looking for a rousing game of internet scrabble and stay away from the Eastern-Euro twinks. I did however add him to my Yahoo buddylist just in case he wants to show me his cam. I don't pass up free porn. My mother raised me right.

Oh do you like the new look of Scra-Blog?
I was going to go for a more simpler, universal look. Basic colors, with a simple title. No flash and pizazz. Didn't happen. After being inspired by a signature I made earlier I went with another pop layout. Ladies and gentleladies, Mariah Carey's The Roof.

Family and God (don't worry it's still funny)

2005-10-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

I've been in Kansas city for about 3 weeks now and I feel, completely unfulfilled. Which is no different than how I felt in St.Louis. I guess I was expecting something here. And that's my fault. However I'm still going to blame others. Those others, of course, are my family whom I do love. I'm the different one as far as the familial demographic goes. I would say the "black sheep", but I'm not comfortable with that saying. (I mean, why does it have to be black? That's racist!) So yea, because I'm different their differences to me are irritating. Sounds about right, no? If I'm in the room with any of them for more than 10 minutes things can get a little violent. In my head of course, I could never hurt my family. The right tools are never present. And to be honest, they don't do anything out of the ordinary, I just dislike people in general and they're no exception. My aunt's very religious and her emotions are like those of a manic-depressive. I would say it's the menopause, but for as long as I've known her she's been that way. My mom, whom I kept distance from in St.Louis and only interacted with when the topic of gays was nowhere near present, is still the same mother. I resent her for trying to "cure" me. My little cousin I swear has ADHD and sometimes I want to P-U-N-C-H her. My older cousin Jessica is fine, still crazy Jessica. But my brother broke off his engagement with his fiance so he's here with us. The things that annoyed me about him when we were growing up are now like little recovered memories. That annoy me sometimes.

My mother actually had planned on me staying with her fiance Mac (I swear I was the only one unattached). She wasn't going to. Since it's sin for them to live together and not be married she was going to leave me there with him. First, I hate how she only picks the sins she likes as if they're doughnuts. Second, what was she thinking leaving me with a man a hardly know?
Now, the idea looks so inviting and I'm going to bring it up later today. So what if I don't know him? I will get to know him! I just really need to have my own space. I'm seclusive and I like it because I can't be myself here. If my aunt found out I was gay I just know they'd try to perform an exorcism on me. I don't need that right now. I can't compete with the popularity of Emily Rose. Plus they make me go to church twice a week! Sundays mornings and Wednesday nights. Sundays, everyone's there (including those cute christian boys) and everything makes me uncomfortable. Wednesdays are Prayer Meetings, which are boring and deprive me of seeing ANTM. And it seems simple, Tell them you just don't want to go? That's leads to an explanation, which leads to an exorcism and I'm not really into bondage in the bedroom.
By the grace of God, ironic huh, I hope I can go to Mac's house. There I can play doctor to my mother and his relationship (it's going to hell, geez what's with all the religious wording?) while taking up residence.

have fun with this

2005-10-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
8. Do you love me?
9. Have I ever hurt you?
10. Would you hug me?
11. Would you kiss me?
12. Would you make love to me?
13.Are we close?
14. Emotionally, what stands out?
15. Do you wish I was cooler?
16 On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
17. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
18. Am I loveable?
19. How long have you known me?
19 1/2. would u get motivated?
20. Describe me in one word
21. What was your first impression?
22. Do you still think that way about me now?
23. What do you think my weakness is?
24. Do you think I'll get married?
25. What about me makes you happy?
26. What about me makes you sad?
27. What reminds you of me?
28 What's something you would change about me?
29. How well do you know me? 3
0. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I would kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

update

2005-10-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I have not been keeping you guys (the two of you) updated on my escapades and whatnot. I'm not busy, just forgetful. I promise I will let you guys know how much I hate it here in the next day.

P.S. I got a puppy!! Well not really, it's my cousins'. But since I'm living here too I'm posessively claiming it as my own. Carmen, a lab/rottweiler mix who loves to lounge around like me. Pics in a few..

Hello Kansas City!

2005-09-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

How I loathe thee.

I'm now an official resident of Kansas City, MO. And let me tell you, the trip here was quite the trip. We left Saint Louis around 10:30 a.m Saturday morning. And I occupied my time in the car reading in the premier issue of Mens Vogue an article about Chinese Cricket Fighting. It sounds unreasonably out of place for a sophisticated men's fashion magazine, but regardless the article was quite gripping. I'm thinking of holding my own tournament of Ultimate Fighting Crickets later this month. That is if Pay-Per-View ever returns my phone calls.
After flipping through nearly 300 of fashion, entertainment, and crickets I decided to do what I always do on my way to KC. I stared out of the window and thought to myself. My most substantial thoughts (sex, money, and looking gorgeous) always occur when passing through middle Missouri, Americana if you will. I admire their Good Ol' Fashioned Christian American Living. They are a simple people full of love and warmth with simple rules: no Blacks, Gays, or Jews. And in passing I saw two dead kangaroos on the side of the road. One even had antlers. My mother says they're deer, but I mean c'mon...Deer in middle America? She's old so I forgive her. However we soon joined our fallen kangaroo brothers as our car died on us and we were stuck on the side of I-70 for 3 hours. 18-wheelers whizzed pass us while we sat in heat waiting for roadside assistance. I was, with my strong eyesight, able to make out a gas station billboard ahead that said Exit 38. My mother using her logic said that's next exit since it has gas prices on it. So we waited. And waited. And waited for the tow truck. She played phone tag with them while I squirmed in my seat and on the side of the road. I was doing my pee-pee dance. If she had stopped when I asked her to we could have broken down near a gas station or restaurant. Instead she asked me to hold it for 70 more miles and 10 into it we ended up on the side of a busy interstate. Sadly, I was reduced to a common plebeian and had to relieve myself in a cup. This should not be my life. I am young, gay, and fabulous damnit! So after being told that the tow-truck diver couldn't find us I had read the road sign we passed 400 meters ago. I ran for the first 130 meters but I had to stop because a heart attack imminent. That was a wake-up call for me that I am out of shape. After 130 meters I, an 18 year old former track runner, was panting with a burning chest and tired legs. Well anyway, the sign said Exit 62. My mother told the t-t driver and he came 10 minutes later. He jump started our car and we drove for 30 feet until it went out again. The alternator was shot. So he towed us to the closest town and on the way I saw the gas station billboard had said Exit 58 not 38. I'm going to be punishing my foolish eyes later by sitting them through a few episodes Laguna Beach. When we reached the town we waited for my uncle and his friend and we loaded our things in his truck. I had to board the bed of the truck, of course lying down because it's illegal to have passengers in truck beds in MO. At first it was exciting because I hadn't ridden in a truck bed since I was a kid. Then it turned ugly. On the highway the wind was stronger and I started to freeze. Thank God I brought my covers. So while gripping my covers, and stuffed panda Benjamin, for warmth I sang to myself the top 40 hits of today and yesterday. The lasted for about 45 minutes. Finally, I was home. In another relative's house of course. My mother and I will be apartment hunting as soon as she gets her car fixed.

Sunday, I had to go to church. The whole time I was how I always am at KCBT. Quiet, reserved, and anxious for the end of service. Not because I don't like church, but because my cousin's church always has such cute boys. I'm so easily distracted by the same sex so I opt to spend as little time there as possible. I don't want to corrupt these young christian boys with their strong morals and..broad chests.

Dreams

2005-09-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

I had the most weirdest, vivid, and strangely erotic dream today. And then it got really nasty. So I'll just re-create it with banter by myself and the lovely Kelly Ripa.

Kelly couldn't be here today so she's being replaced by myself.

So I decided to go to the mall and meet up with my cousin Jessica. On my way inside looking for her I saw some of my old friends from high school in little groups talking and laughing. It better not had been about me Lord knows I can't handle that. They were there participating in a scavenger hunt with a cash prize, tax-free I hope, of $100,000.00. For some obviously stupid reason I wasn't participating. My time with my cousin was worth more to me than a hundred grand. I was definitely dreaming. I noticed my friend Theresa, sporting a new do, down in the food court and decided to chat it up with her because I immediately lost interest in my cousin. On my way down, I noticed my brother. He was having a conversation with his girlfriend...Ashanti. But she wasn't the celebrity, she was taking the place in my mind of a friend named Tiffany. So I decided to chat it up with them because I immediately lost interest in Theresa. So my brother and I hugged (huh?) and we had the standard mini-convo. "How are you?" "Why haven't you called?" "Fuck you too!" Ashanti introduced herself even though I knew her since we were in school together. We had classes together. She was a cheerleader. And we were graduation partners. She then made the comment, "I don't think we know each other." And that just burned me up. "Bitch I know you!", I thought to myself but said encouragingly, "Oh yeah we do." She made a face as if I must have been some peon who thought I knew her. My homicidal anger with her was curbed though by the eerie atmosphere surrounding me. Cold flickering lights, deep lonely hallways, and stained walls. Plus there were dead bodies on gurneys and blood pouring into drains in the floors but that was an afterthought. I was now scared because I immediately lost interest in my brother and Ashanti. I lose interest quite easily. I walked through a door and was cut off by a cadaver then around a corner. I was now in a bathtub with some hottie. I can't go into detail what happened because I'm a wholesome individual who doesn't speak of such things. And my contract with Disney won't allow it. I'll just say I was rinsing out my mouth like there was no tomorrow. I was then awaken with the same disgusting taste in my mouth that I had in my dream.

I had another dream in which I was singing in a choir as the lead. I was then awakened by the Shelter from the Storm telethon.

I find it weird but very interesting how our minds work. They're very powerful and creative when it comes to dreaming and how outside elements seep in and mold our sub-conscious thoughts. It's in a way entertaining. I'm still trying to find out where that taste came from.

Dental disengagement

2005-09-08T02:29:00.000-07:00

The poet (laureate) in me loves alliteration.

For the past let's say month I have been having problems with a particular bastard of a molar. I had gotten a cavity in my 4th left molar some time ago, but it hadn't been bothering me. With that logic I decided to forget about it and to continue indulging what makes me happiest. Sugar. Until one day I knocked the hole even bigger. That day, I stop wearing my metal tongue rings. And ever since then I have been experiencing chronic pain in the tooth. I would have to grab a small mirror, a needle, go to the bathroom, and clean the tooth myself after every meal. I could feel chewed up food stuck in my tooth and it drove me insane. Cold drinks would reduce me to a small quivering mass of pain on my bed. Or the floor. And since I sleep on my left side every waking moment would be hell. So after persistently crying to my mother, and after one of her own teeth finally betrayed her, I got an appt with the dentist. Until then I had been loading up on weak Ibuprofen that I would choke on.

Cut to Tuesday morning and I'm on my way to the dentist. My mother told me it was on Natural Bridge which immediately gave me an impression of the place. This is a common street known to many St.Louisans. But it's well-known to blacks seeing as we all know at least 5 people who live on or off of it. I figured it would be a small, black-owned office. And it was. However the place of business looked like someone's home so I began to think I would be waiting in someone's living room, watching Divorce Court of course, until it was my turn to be serviced in the kitchen. I feared that the bacon grease would pop me.
I was right about it being someone's home, but the place had been completely (not really) remodeled for business. So there was no bacon, damn. There were magazines though. The first one I gravitated towards was a high fashion magazinette by the New York Times. Very lovely pictures, gorgeous clothes I hate myself for not stealing it. I also flipped through two Harper's Bazaar, but before I even finished NYT's some lovely young women entered the room. They were clad in clothes you'd find at the Salvation Army and had hair like Courtney Love. I'm almost positive one of them was her. But the focal points of their ensembles were the wrist and ankle cuffs. And I do not mean the kind you make before getting down in the garden. I only looked for a second because I didn't want to make eye contact with either. They were handcuffed for a reason and I assumed it was for violence, specifically towards men. I desperately wanted to read my mother's face after noticing them, but they would've seen me and like I said...violence. After they left I was able to let out a sigh of relief. Because now I could talk about them. But before that even happened my mother and I were asked to go into the back room. Split into three sections for three patients my mother and I waited separately. He checked my mother first so I had time to discreetly remove my (plastic) tongue ring. Dentists aren't too fond of them and after cracking open, breaking in half, and chipping (3) of my teeth I understand why.
When it was my turn he x-rayed my mouth and then asked which tooth was bothering me. And after I specifically told him which one it was he still proceeded to ask if the one he was mercilessly tapping with the end of his mouth mirror was in fact the correct tooth. Sadistic bastard. He then told us that my mothers tooth would be pulled and that I had the option of either having mine removed or try to save it. Now I'm a very vain individual so the though of loosing a tooth and being even further from perfection was too much for me. I opted to save it which means I will need a root canal. So many people say those are so bad, but I really don't care I want my damn tooth. Plus my mother says I'm young so I might be able to save it. Even though she's not a dentist she said what I wanted to hear so I'm using her in my argument also. I really don't want to lose a tooth, I'll be ever so pissed.

Now I just have to wait until I move. Since root canals are down in stages requiring multiple visits I can't start now because I leave on the 16th. I'll have to find a dentist in Kansas City and hopefully he or she will have a practice just as exciting. For now I'm taking prescribed painkillers to hold me over. It's nothing special just Tylenol with Codeine. It's related to hyrdrocodone (vicodin) so I'll just pretend I'm a drugged-up soccer mom on Oprah. I can only hope one day, that dream comes true.

2005-09-03T04:04:00.000-07:00

I finally saw the last episodes of Six Feet Under. I had missed them when they first premiered and vowed to not watch the finale until justice had been restored. And last night it had. What a wonderful show that I am going to miss dearly.
It ended really nicely, and the finale (which some net friend conversed about sans I) was absolutely amazing. It was sad like all finales, but this one....was SAD. The very final scenes were what got me the most. They were vignettes of how all the lead characters will die. So even though they hadn't actually died in the last episode, it still felt like it. And I hate them for that.
It also left me feeling very morbid because I started thinking about my own mortality which is quite depressing. Like every other gay man I don't want to die, I want to live forever. I want to learn how to fly. I want to feel it come together so people will see me and cry. FAME!

I don't think I've ever been depressed though. I have never been that felt low, badly or sad about my life. Really I've never even been sad. The only time I can remember was when my grandmother died. Other than that I'm usually upbeat and anything negative is laughed off. Brought p again. Laughed off. But this hurricane has really tugged at my heart. I've been watching news coverage of it daily even though it makes me feel horrible. And for some reason I'm still drawn to it and I just end up staring at the screen for hours listening to incoming statistics and survivor stories. I'm clear on why. The days and weeks after Sept. 11th left me feeling scared. So the magnitude of the deaths were overshadowed by my own fear for safety. Once I was "assured" that everything was okay, I went back being myself. I never focused on the lives lost because they didn't get inside me. Yet this time, seeing as I know I'm pretty much safe from any hurricane, I am completely overwhelmed by the plight of so many people. I can't help but feel a small percentage of the pain they are actually living. Probably because that's all I see on TV about the disaster. Or because the majority of them are my own people (Black Americans). Or maybe because I feel like this could have been avoided. For whatever reason, it's really got me all in a tizzy. I'm not my usual light-hearted, superficial self. But I'm dealing with this the best way I know how: gentle pats on my chest above my heart and irreverent humor. That defense mechanism has to be used sometime.

2005-08-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

I guess all my "complex" feelings will have to subside because now it's official. My mother starts work on Sept. 19th and I shall be spending my lonely days in Kansas City instead of this basement. I guess I will miss it. I'm very sentimental like that though, I always find myself attached to places and developing memorabilia out of even the smallest things...like recipts (remember TacoBell Janine?). But life's about change so I say, "Onward and Upward."
I've been packing and packing. Other than that, I've been packing. I'm trying to organize my things in boxes based on importance. The last time I moved I just threw stuff in totes until they were full. And I ended up losing some very personal and valuable things in storage. So now I want to organize my things make sure my precious cargo (janet stuff, clothes, juggling balls) stays with me and let the unimportant stuff (family photos, artwork, diploma) go wherever.
The thing about moving I don't like is I can't start any art projects. Mainly paintings. All this boxing and moving things leaves me little space and plenty of dust. Dust that I can't have settling on canvases. I don't paint on an easel like I should. I paint like I draw, in bed. I like to do a lot of things in bed, mainly sleep. So I can't wait until I get to KC. I've finally ended a creative block that's lasted for months and I want to paint a lot of things. Plus I'm getting a new digital camera so I can finally experiment with photography! I so happy!

It does feel good to move though. I've felt like I was stagnating a bit here. I gave myself extra time relax and just be uncomitted by not enrolling in school until the winter. But this whole time I've really felt useless. There was no real relaxation, just decomposing.lol And now all of my friends have left. I don't know what I would have done still being here alone. So this move is good for me. It's not my big goodbye (that's not for another 4 months) but it's nice because I do get to move on like everyone else.
Plus my hag (Janine) is in Kansas city, and we've both been suffering without each other. Her more than me though, she's a bit unstable.

2005-08-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I was born here in St.Louis and have spent my whole life within the confines of its city and county. I've of course taken the occasional vacation, with luck sometimes out of the state, but have always returned home. Now there's a possibility that this will no longer be my home to return to. My mother put in a word with her boss about moving to Kansas City, Mo a few weeks back. She's engaged to be married so why not be closer to the one you're with. Well maybe two weeks ago, her boss let her know there could be an opening starting the 15th of September. So if the opportunity presents itself, she's taking it...and me along with it. This has left me feeling a wee bit sad because a small part of me doesn't want to move. Now this is where the complexities of my emotions lie.

I'm going off to college in 5 and a half months. So I will be leaving St.Louis for Chicago anyway. That didn't make me sad.
I knew my mother was leaving for Kansas City after I left anyway. So I would have been visiting there already. That had no effect on me either. So why do I feel so melancholy about this move when it was going to happen anyway? I don't know.

All I know is that leaving St.Louis for KC in September will be bittersweet for me. I won't really miss anyone because after graduation all my ties to friends were let go. And what little family I do talk to already lives in KC. However, I feel like I'll be leaving behind a big piece of myself here. Memories, potential memories and all that jazz. On the bright side, change is good. And I've been wanting to move out of this little hellhole of a basement for 2 and half years. But I was going to do that anyway. Whatever. My feelings about this are way too complicated for me to even understand what the hell I'm talking about

2005-08-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Yes. It is I, crawling through the wreckage that is my blog.
It's been almost a month since I've last purged myself of words. I've just been pre-occupied/obsessed with Myspace...and I realize how pathetic that just made me sound. I also hadn't been in the mood to blog. I tried a few times only to quit before I even hit the halfway mark.
I was thinking about just scrapping this whole thing, but my friend Janine loves to read my stories. She loves my rapist wit. So why not start with some DRAMA!

The last time I blogged I mentioned that I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 and a half months. What I didn't mention was that I kinda sorta cheated on him. Now I'm not going to debate the definition of cheating because cheating is cheating, plain and simple. But I will say this, when the act occurred I had already broken up with him....in my head. It was the day before I officially did it. I had already knew that day that I was ready to end it with him, but I needed some time to think about how to tell him. So I gave myself the day. Well that same day, my friend Mark came over to pick up his painting. Unbeknownst to me, he had a little agenda about the two of us. He was extremely flirtatious and I may be a tad dense at times, but I knew he was trying something. Where were the thoughts of my boyfriend? I still don't know. To be succinct and cliché (look at me multi-tasking), one thing led to another and there were tongues everywhere. Well not everywhere because I didn't have sex with him. I just wanted to test the waters, so we made out and did a little dry humping. Why wasn't I thinking about my boyfriend? Why had he not entered my mind the rest of the day afterwards? These questions only Oprah herself could get out of me. (Oprah if you're reading this, email me girl we need to do a show together)

The next day came and I went out with Janine on a little escapade and told her all about it. She was pleading that I tell him and hope he forgives me. I love her for her innocence and naiveté. But I know all too well how my ex's mind works. He can be / or is insecure and defensive and I didn't want to hear any of his bitching to be quite honest. He'd be mad understandably, but that didn't mean I'd still want to hear his mouth. So I had plans on keeping it to myself for some months. Yadda yadda yadda, last week rolls by and I posted a dirty little secret anonymously on a Myspace bulletin. After I did it, I knew he would find out the exact way he did. He asked me to tell him what mine was, I declined. He guessed while talking with Janine, she dished. Now most people would expect me to be mad at her, but it wasn't a surprise so I wasn't angry so much as satisfied that my psychic powers were real.

Time passes. He hasn't called me, and I haven't called him. I'm not even interested in hearing from him nor talking to him because the whole time before he found out I found myself disliking him. He had trouble accepting that we had broke up and it annoyed me. I'm a very indecisive person so when I made the decision to break up with him, I was adamant and steadfast about it. His calls made me dread talking to him and the thought of him made me sigh in annoyance. I don't know why I was starting to dislike him so much, but it was growing. (Once again, Oprah we need to talk) So I've completely cut him off and I feel fine. No regrets, no pain, nothing but complacency . AnI'mIm okay with that. I'm not going to beat myself up about what I did either. Life's too short to feel bad about yourself.

2005-07-21T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'm off to the wonderful world of Kansas City, MO this weekend. I'm half-heartedly excited about it.The pros are that I can see my mom's boyfriend/fiance's new condo (and give me stuff) and I get to go salsa dancing with my cousin. I have wanted to salsa dance for like a year now, but haven't found a partner. I should have asked Janine, but last year I wasn't in that place to do it because we had broken up.(see, just like will and grace we dated) So now I get to live that experience and cross it off my list of things to do before I die

get rich
have sex with drunken straight guy
learn to salsa dance
have sex with drunken straight guy's friend
buy stamps

As you can see my list is pretty well rounded and indeed exciting. As is this convo I had with my mother (me = bold)

I don't want to spend the night at Jessica's.
You're going to have to, she wants to hang out with you.
I can do that, but I want to retire at Mac's house.
Fiiiinne.
Why? Do you guys want to have seeeex?
No. We had sex the last time I saw him and I felt bad about it.
Oh because of your virtue? Your religious virtue?
Yes! It was a conviction and I want to wait until we're married. So when I
get there, he is going to be sorely disappointed.
(Walking away) Why don't you just buy him a blowup doll with your face on
it?
(Laughs) Are you having sex?
No. (Mumbles) Not anymore

Now I know what you're asking. Why would I, after having such an open conversation with my mother, lie about having sex. Because I want to save that can of worms for the presence of company. lol

2005-07-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

I have a gripe about Job seeking.
The whole day Monday I did not get to go to my pre-interview. Why? Because my mother's co-worker never called her back to affirm if his friend/manager at Gap was in. Apparently, he was very swamped at work at couldn't call her back. You'd be surprised what can go down at a FedExKinkos. So anywho, my mother finally talks to her friend and tells me that the manager hired 6 people already. That immediately turned me off. If there's one thing I know, it's when there are lots of people working, your hours can get really shitty. So my mom says that we can still go, but we can also go to the Gap in the mall (Galleria) and I can get hired there. I honestly do not care where I work right now, just as long as I get paid! I want my powerbook.

Enlightening the innocent:

potato_boat: we should go toy shopping together
janine : oh
janine : amanda proposed that to me
potato_boat: we could all go!
janine : im too embarrased
janine : GOD IS WATCHING!!!
potato_boat: getting your rocks off is nothing to be embarassed about...and
Im sure God is bustin his nut up there too!
janinel : oh
janine : youre goin down, sugar

She'll wear down eventually and oh what fun it shall be.

Breaking up is hard to do

2005-07-17T00:07:00.000-07:00

I like that song too.lol
Well folks, I finally did it. I ended my six month relationship with my boyfriend. It was fun while it lasted and I still think he's a wonderful guy. I just needed to get the hell out of that relationship. It was fun in the beginning because I had someone finally. I could share my thoughts and feelings (...and body) with. However the last two weeks were just making me lose interest fast in the relationship. I just started to feel so bored. And I was getting jealous of my friends who weren't in relationships because they got to just date whomever. I wanted that. I'm 18 and I just want to live like an 18 year old. I haven't been out that long so I'm looking to make friends and just experience the whole dating scene.
He didn't take it too well in the beginning. Apparently, he never saw it coming even though a week before I broke it off I told him that I wasn't feeling out relationship anymore and that it had lost my interest. He was upset, and did his whole "hurt" thing. Names were exchange, actually it was just him. It wasn't that I didn't care about how he felt, it's just that my feelings are more important to me right now than anybody else's'. I really haven't been the type of person who puts themselves first. I always found a way to please other first ever since I was a kid. I can't do that anymore, especially as I get older and people are willing to take advantage of you for more substantial things than candy, homework, or a dollar. I think he's fine with it now. He kind of switched personalities on the phone from upset to completely understanding. I'm not complaining or asking questions about that.

Enough about that. So my mother asks me Thursday if I wanted a job at the Gap instead of FedexKinkos. I was like Uh Duuuhhh. So today I have a pre-interview with the manager who's poker pals with my mothers co-worker. Hopefully I get this job because there are a few perks :

Discount
Income period
Hot guys looking for clothes

If I don't get this job I could either work at FedexKinkos (it's all one big word now) or Express. My friend Janine, the Grace to my Will, told me her boss is looking for employees to refer people before hiring off the street. She told her about me, and I told her to relay the message that I'm interested. Only thing is, the store is in a ghetto mall, and its Express Women so no hot guys. But I can grin and bare all that for a paycheck.

I don't think I've ever posted this so here goes a picture of me cheering at a football game. Sadly it's the only picture I have.

It brings back really fun memories that I really do miss.

Workin to nine to five....

2005-07-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

That song made me like Dolly Parton.lol

My mother is going to get me a job working with her at FedExKinkos. She said that they were looking for some kind of people I dunno I wasn't listening. After she said she would get me a job I pretty much didn't care what else came afterwards. I just know she wants us on the same shifts because it's a 30+ minute commute to her job so us being on different shedueles would surely be too much. I'm so happy because finally I get to work. And I told her I want full-time, part-time shifts are tooo damn scandalous. I know most people would be opposed to working with their mothers. They'd rather eat concrete before working alongside mother dearest. However, my mother and I get along famously. We're like girlfriends, which is ironic because she actually doesn't approve of my "lifestyle choice." Yet, we kick all the time. I know we are going to clown up in there because that's how we do when we're together.

But aside from all that, I will be making MONEY! Halle-Lujah!

I'm not going to pursue things with Mark like I had planned. I just wanna date around and he can be one of those people I date.

p.s. I love M.I.A!! And she's on Myspace.com How cool is that!?!?

Lovers & Friends

2005-07-07T09:07:00.000-07:00

I am in such a dilly of a pickle. Don't you hate it when you realize that someone you look to as a friend, no longer looks the same way? And all of sudden you start to get these feelings, these "what ifs" about them? And everything about them stands out and you can't help but notice. Plus they start to look extra fine?
I'm falling for my friend and I don't know what to do.
I've always liked him as a person a lot, he's such a cool guy. But now I can't stop thinking about him. Whether we're compatible or not doesn't even matter, I want to know what it would be like atleast. We talked some months ago and he told me that he had always liked me. At the time I was flattered because I had always like him also. I'm wanting to get with him so badly it's killing me. Ya see, he has a boyfriend. However, I don't know how long their relationship will last because he's moving 200 miles away. Even so, they're still together. When he told me he liked me I was really happy in my relationship and he was just starting his so we just let it go. And then there's my boyfriend. To be honest, I don't feel like pursuing our relationship any longer. I've become so bored and tired of it and him that it's time I move on.
And I really want to move on...to Mark.

2005-07-04T04:01:00.000-07:00

12.1-inch TFT Display / 1024x768 resolution / 1.5GHz PowerPC G4
1.256GB DDR333 (256MB built-in + 1GB SO-DIMM) / 100GB Ultra ATA drive @5400rpm
8x SuperDrive (DVD±RW/CD-RW) / AirPort Extreme Card / NVIDIA GeForce FX
Go5200 (64MB DDR) / Full size keyboard / 10/100BASE-T Ethernet / FireWire 400 / Analog audio in/out / Mini-DVI out $2,224.00 I don't know what some of that stuff means and I don't care. I want that powerbook, and I am going to bust my arse to get it.
One day you shall be mine. And what a glorious day it will be.

Live 8

2005-07-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

*long exasperated sigh*
Some performances were great, others..*shakes head*

I did see the BEP here in St.louis. I guess they flew here right after their performance in Philly. They were amazing here. I really couldn't see them well though and that made me mad. I could mainly see their heads. It was too light outside for the big screens to be on also. If I had better seats or standing ground I would have clowned. They performed old hits (Hey Mama/Where is the love/joints and jam/Let' Get it started/etc) and new songs (Don't Phunk with my heart/ pump it) and other peoples songs which was so cool (1 thing/ hott in herre/drop it like its hot/ hollaback girl/etc). They were just so cool, and I wanted to see them before they left for a picture but my friends were trying to leave immediately after the fireworks to beat traffic.(Boo!) I'm so getting their cd though!

2005-07-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

Okay I think I've finally settled on a layout I am really satisfied wit. It's just that all my other ones I didnt like. I can't believe I changed the layout 8 times in 11 days. But I can't be happy, until I'm happy. I labeled this one summer edition so this one should stay up until the end of summer, hopefully. I'm 90% satisfied with this one which is really good because normally it's around 70%.

Yesterday, my boyfriend called me and we got to talking. He said he needed to ask me something, it was about our relationship. He asked me what I wanted to do about us since he's leaving for college in the fall and I'm not. I suggested we break up. Duh! I am so not into long-distance relationships.
I'm not going to be looking for another boyfriend to occupy my time. Either it's too much work or he wore me out (lol). After him, I just want to bounce around for awhile.

2005-06-29T03:42:00.000-07:00

*Sings* Fly like a bird, take to the sky...

My wild and crazy cousin Jessica is coming into town from Kansas city, MO. She should be here this weekend I think. I hope it's this weekend because she wants to go party. And if she comes next weekend, she'd going to be partying solo because I'm going to be partying with Destiny's Child, Amerie, and Mario with 22000 other people. I'm antsy about her and her parties. She likes to get too wild when she goes out. The main reason is because her mother is so overprotective. Mine isn't so I really don't need to party like J. I'm a little excited because I haven't been out in a while. I hope she's "feeling gay" that night so we can go somewhere and meet some ppls. I do have a boyfriend, so I'm not going to do anything.

So my mother gets back from Kansas City after being gone since saturday. And she tells me that my brother wants me to be his best man in his wedding. It really caught me off guard. Why? Because I can't believe he's actually getting married. He's only a year older than me and he's actually doing it. He lives in KC with his fiancé and they've been engaged since last year and they're finally doing it. I personally don't think it's a good idea, but life isn't about mistakes. It's about choices. And he's chosen to make a mistake.lol Anywhoo, I'm thinking about what I'm going to say because the best man always makes a toast. For the sake of tactfulness and being polite I'm going to put my personal feelings aside and make a nice, inspired toast to the happy couple because it's their day and they deserve to be looked upon in the best light on their day.

I could always come out to the rest of the family during my toast, you know just to liven things up a bit.lol

2005-06-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

Who am I kidding when I say to myself "No more procrastination."?
My friend Mark called me yesterday and asked about this painting he wanted me to do of himself and his mother when he was younger. I casually responded, "Oh you can pick it up Friday it'll be dry by then." Truthfully, I hadn't even touched the canvas. This painting should have been done a week ago, but like I said before who am I kidding? As soon as I got off them phone with him, I busted my ass getting ready to paint. I had to scan the photo, edit it, print it, and draw it to scale on the canvas.
Then I messed up. So I had to paint it on a makeshift canvas. It's some sort of masonite material that I used in class before. Anywhoo, for 8 hours straight I painted. How paint managed to get in the corner of my mouth and in between my toes is still a mystery to me. And I'm not even finished, but I've got all night and morning since I couldn't fix my sleep schedule (those pillows were calling me).
photo/painting That's what the painting is going to look like
My mother insists that I sell portraits which isn't a bad idea..in moderation of course. Painting is so time consuming, it requires paitience that I don't always have. I have bouts of violence while painting. Against the canvas of course, not people.

2005-06-22T09:03:00.000-07:00

Okay I promised I won't change the layout..
atleast for another week...unless I find some really hot pictures that I have to make into a layout. I was just browsin and I came across a website and I loved their background so I decided to change my layout and add the cool background.

Aywhoo, I've been up all nite. Hopefully I can stay up until tonite because so far I've been functioning from 4 p.m. to 6 a.m. and I don't like it. I really need to stay busy so I don't fall asleep, plus if I keep myself active all day the sleep will be that much better...mmmm pillows

2005-06-21T12:21:00.000-07:00

Do You Like? Clicky Me!
It's the cover photo of my Portfolio Cd.
It took me forever tyring to design a cover. I wanted it to be really eye-catching so when someone sees it they "see it."

2005-06-20T02:24:00.000-07:00

O.K. Finally!
I've settled on a layout that pleases me.
I should have known the first one I made wasn't going to last.
This one took some time being born because I didn't know what I wanted it to look like. Some of it came about by accident, but oh well.

My mom told me that my older brother called earlier today. I was asleep, but wonder if I had been awake if she would have given me the phone. I know it would have been awkward because we haven't spoken to each other since August. And we never really talked, we just talked. Nonsensical things here and there. He was going to come to my graduation, but his fianceé's was the same night so he didn't come. My cousin thinks she manipulated him out of it. What's weird is I know if I ever do talk to him, I won't have anything to say really. We've never had mature conversations before so I dunno, I'd be at a loss for words.

2005-06-18T00:42:00.000-07:00

Hello and Welcome

Things are going good so far at my new blog. I felt the need to start over because:
1.) I was go for so long that Absent-Minded kinda just died on mwe
2.) I felt I neded to change since so much in my life has changed

I've Graduated thank GOD! It's kind of bittersweet to be honest. My Senior year was so much fun that I really do miss it. Especially my friends whom I know I'll most likely never see again. Yet, I know time waits for no one so my reminiscing must be moderate and my focus on the future must be strong.

This blog will mainly cover myself looking for a job to occupy my time until I go off to college in the spring of 2006.

So I hope you Enjoy, peace!